The SCFBI
by Kittypig
Summary: How does Santa keep tabs on all of those kids? He has a special super secret agent penguin! But when this penguin can't do his job, it's up to Santa's friends at the O.W.C.A. to help, especially Perry! Read and review this humorous holiday two-shot! Based on Brad Paisley's awesome song, Penguin, James Penguin! :D
1. Chapter 1

It was a cold, crisp December morning. A triangle headed boy named Phineas and his green haired brother Ferb sat at the kitchen table and ate breakfast with their family. Their sister Candace sat beside them and watched them like a hawk with certain determination. They chomped on cereal noisily while their dad was asking their mom for 'help' with the crossword puzzle in the newspaper. ('Help' meaning asking for all of the answers and then writing them down.) Phineas and Ferb talked about quantum physics and then things they'd done in the past. Of course, Phineas did almost all of the talking. Ferb put in a quote here or there.

"Such active imaginations." Their mom smiled to herself as she cleaned the dishes.

Under the table their pet platypus, Perry, ate his dry food and went to lie back down. A small beeping noise came from his wristwatch signaling it was time for work. He snuck out the back door and into the snowy white backyard. He stood on his hind webbed feet and put on his stylish brown fedora. He tapped on the siding of the house and a hatch opened up. Perry looked around suspiciously and stepped onto the small elevator. He was pulled downward and he gripped his hat tightly. Down, down, down he fell until finally arriving in his really clean and high-tech underground lair.

There was a huge monitor ahead. Perry sat down in his little chair and turned it on. Onscreen Perry's boss was rocking out to a MP3 Player, completely oblivious to the blue-green monotreme watching him. He began to play air guitar and did a split, much to Perry's surprise. In the background Carl applauded and commented.

"That was very good sir," Carl said. He was such a kiss-up.

Major Monogram smiled under his brush-like mustache and lapped up the 'glory' that was dulled out by the unpaid intern. He paused and began dancing again, this time clogging, and then he river-danced. Perry wasn't sure whether to be disturbed, or to applause. To be honest, it was a little unnerving. Major Monogram was doing the robot when he saw Perry in his seat with eyes wide open. He froze bent over and rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed.

"I-I'm not sure how much of that you saw…" he said looking at the floor.

Perry shook his head to say 'Let's just pretend that never happened. PLEASE.' Monogram cleared his throat and unplugged his ear buds.

"A-anyway Agent P…We didn't call you here for anything Doof did. We called you to tell you to come to the O.W.C.A. to see you in person for something _very _important." A sweaty Major Monogram said.

Perry left the seat and started to walk away. He turned around and looked at Monogram. He was still there, still sweaty. Perry tried to shrug it off and flew away in the tube that was labeled: To Main Headquarters. Most likely Carl's doing, he was so neat and organized.

Perry watched fossils and gems pass by as he was sucked through the small tube, things that scientists hadn't discovered because of the houses and non-approving property owners. Although most would be thrilled to see these wonders, he'd seen them many times.

He was pushed out the end of the tube and landed webbed-feet-first on the white tiled floor. He looked around the lobby and greeted a couple of fellow agents whom had happened to see him first. He walked into a maze of hallways that lead into a huge office area. There was a door on his right that said M. Monogram. Perry knocked on the door and stared at the huge wreathe that hung on the knob.

"Come in." Major Monogram's voice came from the other side.

Perry entered and closed the door behind him. Monogram sat at a large desk with Carl at his right and a strange penguin at his left. The penguin had a bowtie and cufflinks, and the feathers atop his head were a bit messy. Perry eyed the penguin suspiciously. The penguin smiled warmly and tipped his beak in a nod politely.

"Hello there, Agent P." Monogram said. "Take a seat."

Perry did as he was told and sat in a soft chair. Its interior was made of wood and had red velvet cushioning.

"Yep, another reason the budget is low…" Monogram frowned. "Anyway, Agent P, I'd like you to meet your new partner. This is James Penguin."

James nodded at the sound of his name and straightened his cufflinks. Perry looked at Monogram with an even more confusion then when he'd been dancing. Had he heard him right? Partners? With this penguin?

"I know it's confusing, Agent P, uh, here's a file for you to read." Perry took the file and wasted no time searching through the contents for an explanation.

He found a page with the penguin's picture paper clipped onto it and a whole bunch of notes. He read though the chicken scratch over and over again.

_Dear O.W.C.A.,_

_I am pleased to say I have found an agent of my own that can survive the cold temperatures! But, it just so happens he needs a little more spy training. He knows technology and what's new in this day and age, but I'm afraid he just can't spy without it like a normal agent can. I know my good friends there at the Organization Without a Cool Acronym can help him touch up on his training and show him the ropes at being a real agent._

_Your Holly-Jolly Old Friend, _

_Santa Clause_

_P.S. Could you do it before Christmas? It would really help!_

Perry glanced up from the sheet of paper to the three across the room. It wasn't a partnership, it was training! Perry was a mentor. As exciting as it should have been, Perry was in shock. It hadn't been but a couple years ago since he was an apprentice in training, so what did he know about this sort of thing? He knew he was considered a skilled agent and all, but _this_ wasn't something he'd expected. He saw the penguin shuffle uncomfortably and stare at the floor. Perry looked at Monogram with his still unsure look.

"I know, Agent P, but it's for Santa. I owed him big after he gave me that one special toy last Christmas." Monogram began to reminisce. "So, I expect you to get started with Agent JP's training immediately!"

Perry walked out of the room with James following at a distance. He felt the eyes of the young bird at the back of his head. Perry wasn't used to this, but tried to bear it. A sudden nasal voice came from behind the two.

"Here, Agent JP, a fedora so you match!" Carl said crowning the flightless bird.

James nodded gratefully and walked with Perry through the office building. Perry sighed. May the first day of training begin…


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Let the Training Begin!

Perry walked through the office wing of the agency and came to a water fountain. He stopped for a drink and leaned against the cheap drywall, staring at the floor. He spaced out for a moment, unaware of the navy blue eyes watching closely. James chirped expectantly and Perry glanced up in surprise. He almost spilled his water and James began to laugh mockingly. Perry glared at the young bird and poured the paper cup of water on James. James's cufflinks stated to spark and he threw them off, blowing on his smoking wrists. (If penguins even have wrists.)

Perry looked down at the sparking cufflinks and then gave James a look of disappointment. He picked up the cufflinks and sighed. _This could take a while… _he thought. Training someone, _anyone_, is pretty challenging especially if they are as difficult as James.

He seemed like a nice kid when Perry had met him, but now he was more of a bad dream. James was a defiant young bird with an attitude. Perry had told James that he was going to have to learn to live without all of his gadgets. James threw a huge fit and turned his back. Perry grabbed his shoulder and made him look him straight in the eye. Perry chattered with annoyance. James ignored him and stuck his beak in the air.

Perry was infuriated. He growled at James with a rumble in his throat like thunder and grabbed the extra set of cufflinks that sparked when he crushed them. Perry looked at James, who was horrified that someone would do such a thing to his precious technology. Perry crossed his arms to say "Got it?" James nodded. He had understood who was going to tell whom what to do.

Now there was the matter of getting someone to spy on. Perry was sure he knew the best place for spy training. Somewhere that was inhabited by someone who would be able to handle the weirdness of having a platypus _and _penguin and not lose their sanity. Well, it was time for his daily duties anyway. Perry beckoned James to his hover car and directed him into the passenger's seat.

Hey! Wait a sec! Why do _you _get to use gadgets and I don't? James questioned loudly.

Perry rolled his eyes and sighed. He shifted the gears on the craft and they flew away onto the horizon with the wind almost blowing their fedoras off. James held his hat down tightly and Perry chuckled lightly. James wasn't much on manners, but he was pretty funny at times. Perry focused his attention back to the buildings below and downtown. Then the platypus mentor spotted the huge purple apartment building in which training would be underway.

The monotreme landed the hovercraft with precision and ease, letting James out before making it fly away. Perry raised his index finger with a hush and James nodded. Perry then motioned for his penguin comrade to follow him, in which his feathered friend did precisely.

The webbed footed twosome moved along the smooth wall, hiding behind various things for cover. Perry peeked from behind the vase they were currently behind and James copied. They saw a hunched over middle aged man in a lab coat building a very strange machine.

Whoa! What's that? What's he doing? Who is that guy? James asked noisily.

Shhhh! Quiet! Perry scolded the obnoxious bird through his teeth.

"Huh? Perry the Platypus, is that you?" Dr. Doofenshmirtz asked, noticing the noise.

The evil scientist strolled over to where the two agents stood. He looked at Perry and smiled.

"It _is _you!" Doof said and hit a button on a remote, causing a net to swoop down and catch Perry and James.

Perry struggled and growled while James sat there, just chilling. James crossed his flippers across his belly.

"Sorry Perry the Platypus but if I knew you were bringing a friend, I would've set a bigger trap." Doof apologized and Perry rolled his eyes. "Anyway, on to my scheme!"

Dr. D walked across the room to his machine and began a long speech.

"As you know, I _hate _Christmas! It's so annoying! I absolutely loathe the holidays! And as you know, eggnog is one of the most beloved holiday drinks! This is why I made…The No-More-Eggnog-inator! Now, no one will have eggnog for the holidays!" Dr. Doof laughed evilly.

James eyed the man while he laughed and leaned towards Perry.

This dude's a total _fruitcake_! James whispered.

_Welcome to my world… _Perry thought.

We have to find a way out of here, Perry instructed.

How're we going to do that?

Perry searched the net for a fray in the ropes or maybe a sharp object he could grab with his grappling hook. No such luck. Perry moped for a second before noticing James's sharp beak. He came up with an idea. He tapped James on the shoulder.

Use your beak and cut the ropes! Perry explained.

James nodded and bean to act like Woody Woodpecker, pecking at the ropes. It made the end of his nose burn slightly, but he wanted out of that darn net. The strings tore and the two fell onto the floor. Perry stuck the landing perfectly, while James fell on his belly. He recovered quickly and got onto his feet like nothing happened. He glared determinedly like Perry did and copied the platypus's moves exactly.

"Hey, Perry the Platypus, who is this penguin?" Doof asked in the midst of the fight.

Perry chattered, although Doof couldn't have understood.

"What?" Dr. D inquired.

Ah, it wasn't important anyway. Of course, it would be nice for his nemesis to know who to curse. Not that he cared. Perry went ahead and scribbled down some chicken scratch on a piece of paper. _James Penguin, _it read.

"Oh…Okay… Well, James the Penguin and Perry the Platypus, you are too late! I will rid the world of eggnog!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz announced as he released his –inator to wreak havoc on the tri-state area.

Perry thought fast and nudged James and pointed to the self destruct button on the side of the –inator. Perry launched James towards the –inator with force and the penguin did a jump-kick pose as his webbed foot met the red button. James and Perry jumped off of the balcony and into the hover car, listening to Doof yell, "Curse you Perry the Platypus…And that strange James the Penguin that appeared on my balcony too!"

The two agents high fived and snickered at the defeated scientist as they rode away. The next couple weeks were better than the first day, and James's agent skills got better and better. Finally, Santa Clause came to get James for help on his run. James tipped his fedora to say 'thank you'. Perry tipped his hat 'you're welcome'.

James turned to leave and Santa said, "Thank you very much Francis, Carl, and Perry. You're definitely off of the naughty list now! Remember, James and I will be watching, so be good!"

"You're welcome, Nick, and good luck!" Monogram called back as if they were best friends.

Later Perry had gone home after celebrating with the other agents at the Christmas party. He entered the cold, wet backyard where his two owners waited for him and snuggled him tightly.

"Oh, there you are, Perry! Merry Christmas Eve!" Phineas smiled warmly.

Perry chattered happily. He closed his eyes and embraced the hug group hug. The boys set Perry down and the platypus followed them inside where they guzzled down hot chocolate and snuck a few cookies before bed. Their mom saw but she just laughed. Not even Candace tattled when the boy's left with their hands full of cookies.

Perry walked up the stairs and into the boys' room, watching them shove the cookies it their mouths and crumbs fly everywhere. Ferb gave Perry a small piece of cookie and the platypus quickly obliged. Perry had to admit, the cookie _was _tasty. The boys left the room and came back with their teeth brushed and pearly white.

"Goodnight, Perry." Phineas said before going to sleep. Ferb fell asleep too.

Perry was almost asleep when a clatter arose in the living room. Being a guard platypus, it was Perry's job to check it out. He reluctantly removed himself from the foot of the bed and moved down the decked out stairway with railing strung with spiraling and colorful Christmas lights. Perry was still in mindless pet mode when he spotted who was near the Christmas tree.

"Why hello again, Perry." It was Santa Clause, placing many presents for the family under the lovely tree.

Perry waved hello, and then saw James appear from the shadows.

Perry! He greeted.

Gee, I didn't see you there! Perry replied in a compliment.

I learned from the best! James said.

The two laughed together.

Merry Christmas, Perry, I'll see you next year! James said.

Merry Christmas, James! Perry said as the two holiday figures left up the chimney.

And now I guess you've heard that Santa Clause has his secret agent bird and Perry has a new friend!


End file.
